Booty 5  Buns of Steel
by sesheta255
Summary: More random stupidity on the subject of Kaidan's finest asset.  Has Joker discovered the secret to Kaidan's success?


Yet another randomly stupid booty tale, even though I swore there wouldn't be any more, lol.

Thanks once again to Star for managing to make sense of this, and to Shenzi for her continued support and encouragement. You are both extremely bad influences on me, lmao.

Bioware owns all, damn it.

* * *

**Booty 5 – Buns of Steel**

Joker yawned and stretched in his chair before checking the time. _0200 hours, what the hell am I doing awake?_ He wasn't sure what woke him but decided he might as well check to see if anyone was still up that he could talk to - or in the case of Alenko - tease. He was pretty hard on Kaidan, but that was only because he liked the guy. _Well, plus the fact that he makes it so easy. _The thought made him laugh.

As he flicked through the monitor feeds looking for something that might amuse him, movement from the camera in the cargo bay caught his eye. There shouldn't be anyone in the cargo bay at this time of the morning. _Maybe I've discovered some fraternising. _He zoomed in with the camera and muttered a startled oath.

"Son of a … You cheating bastard!" Joker yelled, at the sight of Alenko behind some crates bending and stretching. He'd caught the bastard red handed and it was time to call him on it. After sending a message to Johnson and Patil, two of the marines on duty, to meet him in the cargo bay, he stood and made his way down to the cargo area, hoping that Alenko would still be there by the time he arrived.

"Alenko, you dirty dog!" Joker yelled as he spotted Kaidan behind the crates.

Kaidan pulled his shirt on and turned to face Joker. "Joker, what are you doing down here? And what are you talking about?"

"Don't play the innocent with me. You're cheating!"

"Have you been drinking?" Kaidan gave him a puzzled look. "Exactly how am I cheating?"

"All this time you let us believe that some benevolent god had taken pity on you and given you that ass as a chick magnet, because you have absolutely no clue when it comes to women, but instead you're cheating and it's not a god given asset at all. Why didn't you share this with the rest of us?" He asked indignantly, glaring at Kaidan.

"Joker what is it that I'm supposed to share?"

"Don't deny it. You've been caught in the act. Exactly how long has this been going on?"

He picked up his towel from on top of one of the crates and wiped his face. "The act of what exactly? I still have no idea what you are on about."

"The act of exercising to get that ass. Which I have on good authority is damned near as perfect as an ass can get, you cunning bastard. I saw your secret little session in the cargo hold. You were using a work out vid. Where is it?"

"It's just a workout vid, Joker. Nothing special. It helps me keep in shape and work off tension."

"Yeah, well if you did something about Shepard you wouldn't be nearly as tense."

Kaidan groaned. "Don't start on that again."

"Don't try and change the subject. This isn't about Shepard, or not just her anyway." Joker ignored the strangled sound that came from Kaidan's throat and held out his hand. "Hand over the tape and no-one will get hurt. Every guy on the ship deserves to be on equal footing with you. We're all sick of having a conversation with a woman only for it to stop when you walk past." At Kaidan's questioning look he added. "They switch off everything except drooling over your ass as you walk away."

"Don't be stupid Joker. You've been jealous of my ass ever since I won that crazy poll. A poll that you started purely to embarrass me I might add."

"Yes and obviously it wasn't a level playing field. Now hand over the vid."

Kaidan snorted, amused by Joker's apparent seriousness. "Joker, you couldn't do most of the exercises on this vid. Your bones wouldn't hold up, and you know it."

"So that's the way you want to play it?" Joker smirked at him for a moment then whistled. "I bought back up in case you wouldn't co-operate."

The two marines stepped out from behind crates and walked towards Kaidan. "Sir, I advise you to hand over the vid," Johnson said grinning.

Kaidan shook his head. "I don't believe this." Before he could do anything else Johnson and Patil had pinned him against the wall while Joker moved forward to search him.

"Aha!" Joker found the vid tucked away in one of the large leg pockets of Kaidan's pants and held it up in victory. He nodded at the marines who released Kaidan and stepped back.

Kaidan blushed and rubbed his arms to restore the circulation. "Damn it, Joker. One of these days you will go a whole twenty four hours without thinking about my ass and the galaxy will implode." He gave him a sour look before turning to look at the marines pointedly. "Do I need to remind you two who writes up the monthly reports?"

Joker looked at the vid and blinked a couple of times. Then he almost fell off his crutches laughing. "I can't believe this." He looked at Alenko, "Everyone is gonna love this. I can't wait to show them." Turning to the marines he held up the vid. "Gentleman, I give you Alenko's secret weapon. **Buns of Steel**."

A moment of stunned silence was followed by raucous laughter. Kaidan turned a darker shade of red. "Hey, I didn't name the damned thing. It just happens to have the best exercises to suit my workout routine," he said defensively.

"Kaidan, you really do take all the fun out it for me. Almost." Joker pocketed the vid and turned to leave, alternating between muttering "buns of steel," and laughing, and was joined by Johnson and Patil.

* * *

The next morning Kaidan was having breakfast in the mess when Garrus joined him.

"What are you having for breakfast this morning, Kaidan?"

Kaidan eyed him suspiciously. "The usual Garrus. Why are you interested? It's not like you can eat any of it."

"Well I heard they have some nice buns on the menu." He paused and looked thoughtful, "Buns of Steel I think they're called."

"Laugh it up Garrus," he said dryly. "I'm going to kill Joker, and yours may well be the second name on the list."

Garrus laughed. "By the way, Joker says there are a number of guys who will be exercising with you tonight, and every other night apparently. I must admit that while I don't think the exercises are any good for turian physiology, I will be coming to watch how things shape up," his mandibles moved up and down with laughter, "so to speak."

Kaidan shook his head as he stood and made his way to his locker, muttering under his breath. He had just opened it when Ashley appeared at his shoulder.

"Hey L.T. I've been looking for you." She waited till she had his attention. "I was going to ask you if you wanted to join me on a trip to the bakery before we leave the Citadel. But given those nice buns you have, I can see you've already been."

Kaidan decided it was better just to ignore her. He slammed the locker shut and started walking to the elevator, only to be grabbed by Wrex.

"Alenko, a word."

"What is it, Wrex? If it's a joke about buns I don't want to hear it."

"Buns? No nothing to do with buns, I just wanted to talk to you. I heard some of the conversation you had last night with Joker in the cargo bay."

"Oh?" Kaidan couldn't tell from Wrex's stance or his gruff voice whether he was joking or not.

"Yeah, I heard mention of cheating and working off tension."

Kaidan was getting more confused by the minute. "And this made you want to speak to me because ….?"

"Because Shepard likes you. _And_** I **respect Shepard." His voice became menacing. "Anyone cheating on her does so at their own risk. Take it from me, you don't want me to headbutt you, or worse."

"Damn it. Doesn't anyone on this ship have anything better to do than to spy on me?" When Wrex showed no sign of backing down he added, "Relax Wrex. I was exercising and Joker decided to annoy me as usual. You should know by now that it's one of Joker's favourite past times.

Wrex let go of Kaidan's arm. "Exercising, huh. Just remember, Alenko, I'll be watching you. And I won't hesitate to put a dent in those steel buns of yours either."

* * *

A month later, Kaidan entered the cargo bay to see the nightly exercise class was already in session. Grinning, he remembered back to the first night it had started. He'd arrived down in the cargo bay to find quite a few of the Normandy's male crew members already going through the warm up exercises on the vid that Joker had stolen from him.

"Joker, what the hell?"

"Seems there's gonna be a lot of competition for you soon Alenko." Joker smirked.

"You do know that you can't do the exercises, don't you? At least not without breaking some bones." He looked around the room and gasped in surprise, "And what the hell is Pressly doing here?"

"Relax Kaidan, I know my limitations but it doesn't mean I can't do a lot of clenching." He looked towards Pressly and shrugged. "And I think Pressly wants to impress the Doc."

Thankfully the smart ass comments about Buns of Steel had only lasted for about a week, and he actually looked forward to the nightly sessions now, if only for the laugh it gave him watching Pressly, who seemed to be taking the whole thing a lot more seriously than everyone else.

* * *

Shepard had some down time so had gone to the medbay to have a quiet drink with Dr. Chakwas.

"Shepard, I can't believe you've let Joker get away with this latest prank for so long."

Shepard chuckled and feigned innocence, "I have no idea what you're talking about."

"C'mon Commander, you might be able to fool others on board this ship but you're not fooling me one bit. You know about pretty much everything that goes on around here."

"Let's keep that our little secret, Doc. We wouldn't want to bruise Joker's ego. And I'm letting it go on because," she began to tick off reasons on her fingers, "One, as Jokers pranks on Kaidan go, it's pretty mild and seems to have created some male bonding. And no mere woman can hope to interfere with that. Two, it's certainly improving the view around here, and three; it will hopefully result in the kids having other asses to drool over besides Kaidan's. I don't like to share." She clinked her glass against Dr. Chakwas' and finished her drink as she stood up to go back to her duties. "Oh I almost forgot the fourth reason. It's just way too much fun to watch all the guys surreptitiously trying to check out each other's asses."

"I agree. Even Pressly is in on it and seems to be getting some interesting results. And normally I'd be against encouraging fraternisation, but in the case of you and Kaidan I must admit I'm curious to see how it turns out. She finished her drink and grinned. "I'm hoping to win the betting pool on that one so that I can stock up on some Iced brandy."

Shepard gave a resigned sigh. "There's a betting pool for that? Let me guess, instigated by Joker, right? It seems I don't know as much about what's going on as I thought."

"Shepard, you've been a marine long enough to know that the crew always have some secrets from their commanding officer." Dr. Chakwas laughed.

Shepard paused at the door. "It's the secrets that will come back to bite me in the ass I'm afraid of, Doc."

"Somehow I can't see you complaining if it's Kaidan doing the biting, Shepard," Dr. Chakwas said quietly to herself as she watched the commander leave.

* * *

_A few months later …_

Joker swiveled in his chair and looked at Kaidan. "Alenko, it's time for a rematch."

Kaidan looked up from the tangle of wires in the co-pilots console he was working on. "What are you talking about?"

"A rematch for what, Joker?" Shepard asked, walking onto the bridge.

"We're having a new Normandy best ass poll." Joker said matter of factly.

Shepard laughed, and winked at Kaidan. "If Kaidan keeps winning these things it will go to his head eventually you know?"

"Ah, but he won't be so cocky this time. We know all about his secret weapon now, and have taken steps to counter it. It will be a level playing field this time."

"Joker, he won last time even after getting shot in the ass, remember?" She turned to Kaidan who was now blushing, "You have a secret weapon? When do I get to see it in action?"

Kaidan gave a long suffering sigh, "I should go." He left the bridge with Shepard's eyes following him.

Joker shook his head. All the work over the past few months and it seemed nothing had changed. "Damn it Shepard. Focus. So can we run a poll or not?"

She blinked and brought her attention back to Joker. "Sure Joker. I must be making headway if you're actually asking. And my vote still goes to Kaidan. I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings but I think you'll find he's going to win yet again."

Joker snorted. "Why? Are you planning to throw anyone who doesn't vote for him out the airlock?"

"Hmm, I hadn't considered that. I'll make that my plan B." She laughed and gave him a pitying look. "Joker what you and the rest of the males on this ship fail to grasp is that you need to have the god given potential to start with, otherwise you can exercise till the cows come home and you still won't have buns of steel to match Kaidan's. Any woman on this ship could have told you that months ago." She grinned as she turned to leave.

Joker stared after her. "Son of a bitch. All that hard work for nothing. I should have known."


End file.
